Updated: May 23
I find myself having to revisit this subject, due to life events...
I also find myself saddened that I feel such guidance to revisit it.
This time I shall do my best to break it down, so it is even more understandable, bare with reading it all.
Why do we make them, what do they do when we do make them, how do we realise we are actually making them? A key word here is ‘making’ them. We make them, they are a creation of our own and ones that have far reaching and devastating affects and generally are not actually reality.
Why we make assumptions, you would think that maybe the answer to this is a deep and long arduous answer but in fact it has a very simple one...
We make assumptions because we do not have all the facts to make a fully rational decision on something.
Our pre-programmed mind wants to make a decision, so as part of this pre-programming it decides it knows all the facts which are not there and connects all the dots with assumptions to come up with an answer. Why does it think it knows all the facts when it doesn’t have them? It pulls thoughts, events, and feelings from our past and tells us it is an ‘informed’ decision, so is correct as it has happened before, when in fact it can’t be because things and people from our past are not things and people in our present and no event can be exactly the same.
Now, assumptions made in this way are always negative because these are the memories and feelings our pre-programmed mind saves for us to utilise in the ‘fight or flight’ mode. This is the innate mode we all have but, today we don’t really require it anywhere near as much as our ancestors did, when events were life or death. We have retained this mode for such events, life, or death situations. It is still prevalent in our innate abilities, so our pre-programmed mind taps into it as a self-saving method, where it jumps into control after bringing negative thoughts in the assumptions into our mind and into the here and now, this then shouts SELF PRESERVE, you are going to get hurt so ‘fight or flight’! As soon as the mode is in play, it takes over every system in a way and releases the chemicals in our body which have us stay and fight or flight, run for the hills.
These chemicals are the same which allow us to hear stories like, ‘oh my god, they lifted a car to get the person out from under it’ so these chemicals are extremely powerful, but they are meant to be only short lived and once the danger has gone, the chemicals revert to a normal state. But these chemicals in long time doses have a negative effect on our physical and mental state because when released they stop the release of what we will call normal functioning chemicals and they take over. The normal functioning chemicals sustain our biological and mental state keeping us well and healthy both physically and mentally.
So when in the fight or flight mode, our physical and mental body are not being sustained, only our auto system is to keep us alive i.e. our blood and organ system.
Back to these assumptions... Because our pre-programmed mind pulls memories and events from the past which have hurt us or nearly hurt us or that were previous negative assumptions then anything we assume to be correct in fact cannot be correct, leading to or in the fight or flight mode. The problem is that our pre-programed mind tells us that these assumptions are fact and are correct due to the fight or flight mode being an immediate reaction to danger and self-preservation. We do not have time to think about whether they are real, we ‘assume’ they must be and act upon them. Here is the other problem, we are habitual creatures meaning that everything we do in life is a habit or it is forming a habit. The first time we assume in our young lives is the start of a habit. This assumption is usually a negative one. Creating a heightened state of being on edge, just in case. Even if no more are related and, in our lives, we have one or two more assumptions then this forms the habit attached directly to our fight or flight. Assumptions are taught to us as children by our peers, parents, teachers, society etc. This as a child can be as simples as asking for sweets and in the mind, we think, or assume we will ask but we won’t get any... If we do get the sweets, then the mind creates a point where assumptions are actually reality. This is the formation of the assumption habit, something so simple.
If later in life we find a partner (this is just one of many explanations) This partner, then is negative in their thinking pattern or negative in a physical way. Whilst we are with them, we begin to assume, with things like, oh he/she will be here in a bit, and they will have something to complain about that has happened in their day. This is the assumption, if they arrive and do complain about their day, in your mind it is a point set of, well I was right, I ‘assumed’ correctly. The problem with this is that you didn’t really ‘assume’ you just knew that person and their formed habit was to complain as soon as they arrived, this may have been the way they showed you they cared because it was only you, they would say these things to and why, because they ‘assumed’ you wouldn’t judge them. But the point is set that it was an assumption and in your pre-programmed mind it stays as one.
Hope you are keeping up with me...
Another example of us being in a relationship and this is a heightened example, You are in an abusive relationship... Your partner physically abuses you when they arrive home, or when they don’t get their own way etc... You form the habit of knowing the things which could set them off, so you walk on eggshells when these points arise, if they don’t tip over and you’re not physically abused, you forget about it but keep in mind that these are the tipping points as they have been previously. When it does follow through, you have a set point in your mind that your assumption of it being a trigger was correct.
Yet again, this was you knowing the type of things or when it would mainly happen. You forget about the times it did not happen because there was no need to remember as it did not follow through for you to create a set point and trigger your fight or flight mode.
In your pre-programmed mind your assumptions were correct. You don’t think oh I assumed wrong as it didn’t happen, you think more like, but it will next time, you assume it will. If it does, then a set point of your assumption being correct is created.
Due to all these assumptions, you then begin in your pre-programmed mind to think that you don’t deserve anything other than this negativity... It removes any self-worth you did have because there is always a sorry I will never do it again, but you made me do it. Your pre-programmed mind creates an assumption which is taught to you, that you made him or her angry, so that is they kind of person you are, you just hurt everyone. You ‘assume’ you hurt everyone. Reality is different as no one hurts everyone, and you don’t know everyone to be able to hurt them. That is reality!
Assumptions create a story in the mind, one which is based on negativity and is attached to our fight or flight, it feeds our fight or flight and forms a habit of feeding it, because it becomes a habit, the habit says as we keep doing it repeatedly it is real and is reality. When in fact it is a story, we tell ourselves and then tell ourselves it is reality. This creates a veil over the mind, this veil is like a filter and anything that is positive or that is good for us, goes through the veil And our pre-programmed mind along with the habit it has formed, creates an assumption to turn this positive into a negative. This negative is most often based on a lack of trust, because you have been hurt and don’t want to be hurt again and the assumption says that the same thing will happen again, and that this positive person has underlying reasons for doing this for me or being nice to me.
This is not just with relationships; this filters out in your whole life, and you are weary of anyone and anything. Even if you are not aware of it. But you never look at yourself because your pre-programming says you are right, and they are wrong. This is an assumption; we cannot know the facts before we are told or shown the facts! If we have thoughts of facts without being shown or told them, they can only be assumptions based on our own personal life events and experiences which makes them quite simply guess work that any child could do.
Let’s look it from another angle. (again, this is a heightened explanation)
You find a partner who is nice to you, they are kind, considerate, compassionate, loving, caring and will do anything for you and for anyone else, for no reason but to be, to do, no ulterior motives just a kind loving and caring person.
You can walk the relationship for months and months, and slowly your veil is removed bit by bit because they are continually kind and loving to you and to the relationship. You start seeing things with love, you start feeling the love and showing it more and more. After months and sometimes even years of this bliss they do or say something which can be the tiniest detail that is insignificant and suddenly one of your past set points pops up. You begin to assume that they are actually just like someone previously, that they are going to do the same as previously happened in another situation, your veil jumps back down because these set points based on assumptions are directly connected to your fight or flight mode, you start searching out the tiniest detail in the whole relationship, from start until this point and when you find any insignificant things that were not noticed as were irrelevant you add them to the negative assumptions which strengthen your veil which kicks your fight or flight into full blown action shouting stop stop stop stop I am going to get hurt... Fight or run like hell. When in fact these tiny details are a couple in a sea full of positives. So, like an ocean bed where there are billions and billions of tiny white sand particles, and you have found 3 or 4 greyish colour ones your veil sees as black and then totally ignores the billions of white ones and focuses only on the darker ones. Your veil and your assumptions then only see that person in that light and uses these couple of things as excuses to end the relationship before you get hurt. So you end up convinced that this person you are with is not the person you thought they were but the only place this person isn’t who they showed they were is in your thoughts. Your mind changes reality to suit your fight or flight needs so you then don’t get hurt. But because your thoughts changed reality in the first place, you weren’t going to get hurt in reality.
You can hopefully clearly see how assumptions create a negative and more often than not, devastating story in your mind, one which is not based on reality but based purely on a fictional novel that may or may not have happened to you or someone you know in the past.
From the partners point of view, it is devastating because it happens out of the blue, why because when we fall back on our assumptions and our fight or flight begins to work, we don’t talk openly or rationally about it, and if we do it is in the form of accusations and from a point of anger because you firmly believe you are going to get hurt so the fight kicks in prior to the flight. We assume we are right, so the partner deserves it! When in fact we are wrong, and they don’t deserve it in this situation.
Assumptions can be right but, and a big but, the assumptions that are correct and are so in a negative way, create a set point which are attached to your fight or flight. Positive assumptions are not connected to your fight or flight and do not create a set point, they merely fade into the background. Therefore, assumptions are always negative, assumption do not serve us well but serve us negatively. So, if an assumption is correct about a negative event, you say you are right and so your assumptions are always right because any that have been wrong or not served us in saying we are right have disappeared from memory because only negatives can help us with our fight or flight.
We can never tell if our assumptions are actually correct until we create the situation which makes them correct. In the previous case the assumption was that you were going to get hurt, because you assumed negatives and your fight or flight kicked in, and as does with assumptions your relationship ended, and you got hurt. You hurt yourself by creating a story of assumptions. What you should have done is to talk to your partner openly about your fears and this alone would create a deeper understanding in them where they would most likely have tried to allay your fears, and no one would have got hurt and the relationship would be deeper and stronger for it.
As I said these are heightened examples for you to see how assumptions appear and what they can do. Many of us assume in the exact way as described but these have been created over much time and in smaller ways but, they still act the same and at some point, can create the devastation as shown in these examples.
How do we stop using assumptions?
By firstly realising that we do! It is not easy as it has become a habit and habits are always difficult to break, but with the right support and belief in yourself anyone can break a habit. Once we actually realise this, then we begin to notice the times they flick themselves on. At these points we can be totally open and honest with the person the assumptions involve and we can then gain all the facts from the person rather than making them up via our pre-programming to just join the dots.
Once we begin to be open and talk instead of with anger or upset, we start to remove the need for assumptions altogether, and we wait for the time to receive the facts to explain the missing pieces or we merely forget about it and they never return knowing it is not worth it in the big picture of life, it being far too short and just enjoy what we have in the given moment and being grateful for it, we then settle with our mind and thoughts and we begin to accept ourselves and the love which is given to us. Importantly, we also start realising that people in general do not have ulterior motives with the things they does for us and if they do, it is extremely noticeable without assumptions.
Much peace, love and light to each one of you .